Storm Approaching

Divorce and separation affect children in many ways: they feel confused and insecure and that no one cares or loves them. Here’s why and what to do.

A child feels that their world is falling apart before and after divorce and separation. Children feel shocked and experience loss and stability. They fear that they may be left alone or think that divorce and separation are their faults.

When you separate, you decide not only for yourself. Your decision affects others, particularly your children. Their well-being must be a priority. Remember that you are separate from your partner, not your children.

After divorce and separation, limit conflict with your ex-partner. Hearing and witnessing conflict frightens children. In addition, a child witnessing conflict both during and after divorce and separation finds it hard to adjust to new things.

The WAY you handle divorce and separation is the key to how your children cope with it.

Divorce and separation affect children – be nice to each other

Try to have an amicable relationship with your ex. Be courteous and respectful and consider both sides’ views. When problems occur with your children, you and your ex must cooperate to solve them. Remember that you both share common goals and hopes for your children.

Children have a right to be proud of both parents. Do not criticise your ex-partner in front of them. Children are sensitive to criticism of either. They may see the criticism as directed at them. Or start to feel conflicts of loyalty. Be positive about your ex-partner. If you have nothing nice to say, say nothing.

Divorce and separation affect children – favouring a parent, spying or being a messenger

A child has a right to love and to be loved by parents equally. Do not attempt to make a child choose one or the other. That is too much responsibility. Further, they may feel guilty about the parent they did not choose. They are suffering already. When they are with one parent, they cannot be with the other.

Allow your children to move freely between either parent without feeling they need to report back.  Do not question what happens in the other household.

Do not use your child as a go-between. Instead, communicate the things with your ex-partner without the child’s involvement.

Divorce and separation affect children – stay close

If possible live close to your ex-partner. Children who see both parents regularly are better able to cope. Their daily routines get less disruption, and they can remain seeing their friends. They can attend after-school activities regardless of where they are staying. Both parents need to be involved in everyday child-related chores, not just weekend ‘good time’ visits.

Divorce and separation affect children – how to let them know

Both parents need to be present when you first tell your children about divorce and separation. From then on, tell them what is happening. Do this in a neutral way. Be honest. Let your children know that both parents love them and want to be part of their life. Reinforce by hugs, touching, and just being near them.

Divorce and separation affect children – how children communicate their distress

Possible behavioural changes may include not seemingly communicating their feelings. Few children can do this in words. Instead, they express those feelings via their behaviour. Younger children fear the remaining parent might also leave and become very clingy. Some may get withdrawn. Some regress in their development is expressed in their toileting, sleeping and language. Older children may become rebellious, angry and aggressive. All may experience sleeplessness and nightmares.

Divorce and separation affect children – pay attention to a child’s non-verbal communication

Be patient and listen. Let a child be honest about how they feel. Few are able to express feelings and emotions in words. Provide drawing, painting, collage, clay and other mediums. These allow your children to express their feelings in play. Allow them to be angry.  Reinforce that whatever they say or do, you still love them.

Divorce and separation affect children – love, routines and structures

Stability is essential for children (even if you have to pretend). Create routines, structure and loving care for your children. The sooner you do this, the quicker and better their adjustment. Children must have security, familiarity and dependency. They need to know what is to happen in the future.

Divorce and separation affect children – support

Encourage your children to seek social support from friends, relatives and teachers.

Divorce and separation affect children – the changeover period

Children may be reluctant to leave the home they are currently in – go to that of the other parent. When they return, they may be irritable, withdrawn, distressed or behave differently. This does not mean that they did not like being in the other home. Nor does it mean That they do not want to return. It may simply be that they feel sad to leave.  Acknowledge conflicting emotions. Be sympathetic and loving towards your children. Give them time to settle back in.

All children fantasise that their parents will get back together. Such wishful thinking helps dampen the painful feelings of loss. The sooner the children learn the inevitability of separation, the better for their well-being. Do not recreate ‘happy’ family celebrations or holidays together. This is not helpful. It only prolongs their acceptance of the inevitability of the separation.

Children need to adjust to the separation and accept its inevitability before you introduce the new partner.

Divorce and separation affect children – even with your best efforts, your children may not adjust

• Is your child having trouble at school or with peers?
• Is your child sleeping poorly and or having nightmares?
• Is your child withdrawing from previously loved people or activities?
• Is your child frequently angry and violent?
• Is your older child using drugs or alcohol?
• Does your child have an eating disorder?
• Is your child self-harming, such as cutting or injuring themselves?

Any or all of the above are warning signs.

For advice on divorce and separation, contact Maarit for an initial free consultation for your child.

Click on: maaritr28@gmail.com or call me on 0417 462 115